I went to church today. It was really so engaging. I have to force myself to go to church most of the time now a days, but when I get there I never regret going. I always make such amazing realizations about my life at church.
Prior to church and for the past couple of months, I had been feeling bored with church. I would go to church related events and feel so empty. I started really questioning my beliefs. How do I feel about gay marriage? How do I feel about the Ten Commandments? I started really questioning God’s role in my life. When I went to church my pastor told me it is normal to question God and that it was okay. I really needed to hear that.
Have you ever questioned your religious beliefs and God’s role in your life?
In Philippians 4:11, Paul said, “I have learned in whatsoever state I am in therewith to be content.”
I am grateful for the success that I have, but am not content. There is so much more to do. More people to meet, things to learn and explore. I constantly feel the need to improve and top myself. However, I find my self in situations where people will tell me to be grateful for what I have. The issue is I am grateful, but I am not satisfied because there is always more room to grow. Unfortunately , it is hard to communicate that to people without them judging you.There is always someone who is worse off and better off than you are. That is always the response I get. As if it solves the way I feel.
I am the only minority in my business program. ONLY ONE. It was not that way when I first started the program. It was two Asians and me. That has changed people have dropped out or joined other cohorts. I am left as the only minority in my cohort. Yay, me! I am being sarcastic.
All these thoughts ran through my mind when I began to take in the fact that it was only me. Did I have to represent all minorities or specifically Black people? Did I just represent Black women? Did have it easier not being a Black man in graduate school? I decided to not let it bother me and to not focus on those thoughts. I also began to wonder why I was curious about being the only Black and minority in my cohort. I guess what I was experiencing was just what many Black people feel when they are the only one. There is a sense of having to represent that I often have not felt before until then. Of course I try to ignore my feelings, but I also think it is okay to explore why I feel the way that I do.
I survived the first two semesters of graduate school. I had a lot of fear prior to beginning school. Would I do well? Would I be able to fit in? Would I adjust to being back in school? I did fine and exceeded my expectations. However, not with some stress. There were times where I felt overwhelmed and struggled to managed work and school. I definitely could have managed my time better. Going into this Fall semester, I know that there are adjustments I will need to make in order to continue to be a successful graduate student.
I have been praying for purpose for the last several weeks and through my prayers it revealed many things to me. One, is that I keep running away from the things I love to pursue things I like that would provide a stable life. I question if I am taking the path most taken. Embarking on a life where I have a 9 to 5 job, but no time for myself. I am constantly choosing between my true self wants and what is realistic.
Growing up, I was always really ambitious and no one could tell me I couldn’t do something. As I grow older, I found my self doubting if what I want is even realistic. In the past, I never doubted anything. I always had internal faith that I would be successful. Now it just seems so hard to think that way.
The second thing my prayers revealed is that I need to have more faith in the unknown and unseen. I realize faith is the belief in something yet unseen. Sometimes I feel I am working really hard,but do not know what I am working hard towards. I have been praying for more faith and confidence.
I have had a few interviews where the issue of whether my program would conflict with my work schedule. I am considering taking off my resume. What do you think? Any suggestions?
I wake up in the morning without a sense of purpose. Typically, I write down my goals for the day and week. I always aim to have a good day. However, sometimes I feel like I am not really living my life but merely living in someone else’s life. I feel like it is my mother’s life because I would not have put myself if some of these situations. I live at home. I have been questioning how I got here. When I graduated I always thought I would move out but that never happened.I question whether I am taking enough risks in life or am I playing it safe. I am letting other hold me back.
On my way to work, I thought about Taylor Swift and how she is the same age as me and is ruling the world. Meanwhile, I am driving to a job that does not correlate to my interests or passions. Sometimes, when I meet people I compare my life to them. They seem to have it together or at least appear to be. I have recently started praying to god to find the purpose in my life. It has only been two weeks so I do not know if it working or not. I ended my contract with a job I was temping at because I knew it was not for me. I am waiting for this feeling that a certain career or job is meant for me. I have not had that feeling yet. I wonder why?