Faith in Crisis

10 Jan

I went to church today. It was really so engaging. I have to force myself to go to church most of the time now a days, but when I get there I never regret going. I always make such amazing realizations about my life at church.

Prior to church and for the past couple of months, I had been feeling bored with church. I would go to church related events and feel so empty. I started really questioning my beliefs. How do I feel about gay marriage? How do I feel about the Ten Commandments?  I started really questioning God’s role in my life.  When I went to church my pastor told me it is normal to question God and that it was okay. I really needed to hear that.

Have you ever questioned your religious beliefs and God’s role in your life?




Being grateful is to be content?

29 Dec


In Philippians 4:11, Paul said, “I have learned in whatsoever state I am in therewith to be content.”

I am grateful for the success that I have, but am not content. There  is so much more to do. More people to meet, things to learn and explore. I constantly feel the need to improve and top myself. However, I find my self in situations where people will tell me to be grateful for what I have. The issue is I am grateful, but I am not satisfied because there is always more room to grow. Unfortunately , it is hard to communicate that to people without them judging you.There is always someone who is worse off and better off than you are. That is always the response I get. As if it solves the way I feel.

The Only One

29 Dec

only black person

I am the only minority in my business program. ONLY ONE. It was not that way when I first started the program. It was two Asians and me. That has changed people have dropped out or joined other cohorts. I am left as the only minority in my cohort. Yay, me! I am being sarcastic.

All these thoughts ran through my mind when I began to take in the fact that it was only me. Did I have to represent all minorities or specifically Black people? Did I just represent Black women? Did have it easier not being a Black man in graduate school? I decided to not let it bother  me and to not focus on those thoughts. I also began to wonder why I was curious about being the only Black and minority in my cohort. I guess what I was experiencing was just what many Black people feel when they are the only one. There is a sense of having to represent that I often have not felt before until then. Of course I try to ignore my feelings, but I also think it is okay to explore why I feel the way that I do.


14 Aug

I survived the first two semesters of graduate school. I had a lot of fear prior to beginning school. Would I do well? Would I be able to fit in? Would I adjust to being back in school? I did fine and exceeded my expectations. However, not with some stress. There were times where I felt overwhelmed and struggled to managed work and school. I definitely could have managed my time better. Going into this Fall semester, I know that there are adjustments I will need to make in order to continue to be a successful graduate student.

Praying for my purpose

14 Aug

purposeI have been praying for purpose for the last several weeks and through my prayers it revealed many things to me. One, is that I keep running away from the things I love to pursue things I like that would  provide a stable life. I question if I am taking the path most taken. Embarking on a life where I have a 9 to 5 job, but no time for myself. I am constantly choosing between my true self wants and what is realistic.

Growing up, I was always really ambitious and no one could tell me I couldn’t do something. As I grow older, I found my self doubting if what I want is even realistic. In the past, I never doubted anything. I always had internal faith that I would be successful. Now it just seems so hard to think that way.

The second thing my prayers revealed is that I need to have more faith in the unknown and unseen. I realize faith is the belief in something yet unseen. Sometimes I feel I am working really hard,but do not know what I am working hard towards. I have been praying for more faith and confidence.


14 Aug

I have had a few interviews where the issue of whether my program would conflict with my work schedule. I am considering taking off my resume. What do you think? Any suggestions?

Purposeless Life

12 Jun

I wake up in the morning without a sense of purpose. Typically, I write down my goals for the day and week. I always aim to have a good day. However, sometimes I feel like I am not really living my life but merely living in someone else’s life. I feel like it is my mother’s life because I would not have put myself if some of these situations. I live at home. I have been questioning how I got here. When I graduated I always thought I would move out but that never happened.I question whether I am taking enough risks in life or am I playing it safe. I am letting other hold me back.

On my way to work, I thought about Taylor Swift and how she is the same age as me and is ruling the world. Meanwhile, I am driving to a job that does not correlate to my interests or passions. Sometimes, when I meet people I compare my life to them. They seem to have it together or at least appear to be. I have recently started praying to god to find the purpose in my life. It has only been two weeks so I do not know if it working or not. I ended my contract with a job I was temping at because I knew it was not for me. I am waiting for this feeling that a certain career or job is meant for me. I have not had that feeling yet. I wonder why?


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